Trying to Play Poker
by pinocchio
Summary: [oneshot] The Marauders are trying to play poker, even though they don't know how, many crazy things happen including, drunkeness, sulking and marriage to a bottle of Firewhiskeys, craziness is a definite.


**A/N: I wrote this in response to a challenge that was posted on my forum by Evilevergreen. **

**Basically, there were a bunch of rules set i had to include some sayings and stuff, and it had to have at least two games of poker, and it has about twenty. It's a bit crazy and pointless, but whatever. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own harry potter.

* * *

**

"James I do not like this game one bit!" Sirius shouted,

"Well too bad. You have to play now." James said, and he threw some cards in front of each player. The Marauders were sitting in the Gryffindor common room, playing Poker; well they were trying to. None of them knew how to play, so they were making it up. It was very late at night, but none of them really cared, except Remus, who was only staying up so he could make sure that Sirius didn't end up getting completely drunk and running through the ground totally starkers, it was a memory Remus would not like to have repeated.

* * *

"I have a royal flush!" Sirius announced after a while,

"You don't even know what that is. Show me." Remus said, as Sirius stuffed some cards in his face, Remus rolled his eyes and sighed, "That doesn't count Padfoot."

Sirius had bewitched the cards so that instead of a king, queen and jack etcetera, it was a set of cards that all had golden toilets on them, toilets that had crowns perched on top of them.

"James, why aren't you with Lily?"

"I don't know, she's probably in the library."

"Well you should be with her, she is your girlfriend after all." Sirius said,

"What would you know?" James snapped, turning back to his cards.

* * *

"Prongs!" Sirius said half an hour later,

"What do you want now?"

"This game is no fun, I'm not allowed to shout, I'm not allowed to bewitch cards, so can I get some fire whiskey to make it better?" he said, he believed that fire whiskey could make anything better, it could brighten up anything.

"Whatever, go for it." James said, as Sirius got up from his place at the poker table to get some alcohol.

* * *

Fifteen poker games later, Sirius was as drunk as a skunk and was throwing strange verbal slurs at everyone.

"You know what Moonycakes?" he yelled,

"Padfoot, I'm sitting next to you, you don't need to yell." Remus said, irritated,

"You know what Moonycakes?" he yelled, even louder this time,

"What Padfoot?" Remus sighed,

"I reckon this J-man is gay!" Sirius spat,

"Two things, number one, he's not a J-man, he's a joker, and number two, say it, don't spray it."

"Well look at him! He's wearing funny, gay-looking clothes!"

"What does it matter if he's gay or not?"

"It doesn't! I'm just making a valid point!"

"How is that valid?" James asked,

"It just is James! Gosh!"

"Speaking of gay people," Peter said, "Some fourth year asked me out today."

"A guy in fourth year?" Remus asked,

"Yeah. I was freaked out." Peter said, "What should I do?"

"Go for it man, get yours, I'm down with the rainbow!" James said, dealing more cards,

"Prongs, do you think I'm gay?" Peter asked, shocked,

"Um, no, of course not!" James said, trying to cover up his mistake, which wasn't really a mistake, he had been unsure about Peter's sexuality.

"Do you guys think I'm gay?" he asked Sirius and Remus,

"Not at all Peter, James was just being silly." Remus reassured him,

"Have you ever been with one of da ladies?" Sirius asked, in a very sleazy tone of voice,

"Well, no, but I'm not gay…"

"My point is proven!" Sirius yelled,

"Padfoot, you didn't have a point in the first place. Peter don't listen to him, he is severely intoxicated." Remus said sensibly,

"Oh, okay. Thanks Moony."

* * *

Ten minutes later they heard the Gryffindor portrait swing open, it was Frank Longbottom, who was a friend of the Marauders. Frank was too timid to be a Marauder, but he was a decent person, and he had dark brown hair and light blue eyes, and freckles all over his nose.

"Hey guys."

"Hi Frank." Remus said, "Why are you back so late?"

"I had to do prefect rounds with Alice Thompson from Ravenclaw, but Lily took over for me."

"Oh ok."

"Are you guys playing poker?" he asked, suddenly becoming interested,

"Yeah, we're trying to, we don't actually know the rules." James answered, not noticing that Sirius was making out with his fire whiskey bottle, he only broke away from it to take another sip and say stupidly,

"No I love you more. I love you more, there is no way you could ever love me more than I love you. Oh my gosh, of course I'll marry you; that diamond on the ring is so huge!"

"Where did you get the poker set from?" he asked,

"We nicked it from Slughorn's office." James said,

"Ah! Can I play? I'll teach you how." Frank asked,

"Sure, we could use some help." Remus said gratefully, as Frank pulled up a chair at the table, there were only three people playing now, seeing as Sirius was off on his honeymoon with the Fire whiskey and Peter had gone off to sulk.

* * *

"Alright." Frank said, taking charge, "My house, and my rules. The game is no-limit taxes hold 'em. Deuces wild, unless you have ducks, I deal all games, so don't expect a berry patch."

"Is that English?" James asked, very confused, Frank laughed and started shuffling the cards, "No my friend, that's poker."

"Oh, are there two different languages or something?" he said stupidly, 

"No James, don't worry, you'll learn as we play." Frank said, "Okay, here are your money chips."

"Well, why do you get the most?" James asked, referring to Franks large box of chips,

"Because I'm the bank."

"Why do you get to be bank? Who do you think you are, Chris Moneyprinter?"

"Uh, that's moneymaker James." Remus interrupted,

"Oh please, like that makes any sense."

"James, I'm bank because I'm the only one who really knows how to play."

"Well this sucks. Maybe I'll just go snog Lily to make me feel better." James said,

"I don't think she'll be too happy about that." Remus said,

"Well, I'll show you!" James said dramatically, stomping over to the portrait and climbing out.

* * *

Twenty minutes later he found Lily with Alice talking to Sir Cadogan, who was telling them that he would be able to save them from any adversities that they came across in their travels.

"Hey Lily! Can I talk to you?" he asked breathlessly, because he had been running all over the school to find her. He thought that if he ran as if it was urgent, it would make it seem romantic and spontaneous, but James was often wrong about these things.

"Okay, shoot." She sighed,

"Uh, in private." He said, staring at Alice.

"Okay." She grabbed his arm and pulled him around the corner, "What do you want?"

James swooped down and kissed her passionately, though he didn't get the romantic and spontaneous effect he was hoping for. He had bashed into her head because she was a bit shorter than him,

"Ow! James!" she grumbled, as a few of the portraits started laughing,

"Shut up!" James said, as he tried to kiss her again, but he couldn't because she was pushing him away,

"Why won't you let me kiss you? We're together now, or is it just a reflex?" he groaned,

"Not here. Come on, let's go back to our common room, your head is bleeding from when we bashed heads." She said,

"My wand is still in the Gryffindor tower, can we go there first?"

"Fine." Lily said as they set off for the tower.

* * *

They climbed in through the portrait hole to find Remus listening intently to Frank teach him about poker, and Sirius was yelling at the empty bottle for cheating on him. And Peter, who had given up sulking, was now talking to a portrait of Ellen of De Geours, who was yelling loudly, 'I don't think you're gay, I will not make out with you, I live in a painting, I died five hundred years ago! Leave me alone!' James grabbed his wand off the floor, and he had no idea why it was there, the last time he had saw it, it was on his old bed in his old dorm room.

Remus looked up and noticed James and Lily, his grey eyes darted to the crimson blood dripping from James' forehead, Sirius had seen it too,

"We knew she wouldn't want to kiss you Prongsie! Who would?" He cackled with laughter at his remark, he obviously thought it was hilarious. However, Lily was of the opposite opinion, and wanting to prove Sirius wrong, she pushed James against a wall and kissed him passionately, before taking his hand and leading him out of the room seductively.

"Lily, I knew you'd come around." James said happily, as they entered the Head's Common Room, hand in hand,

"James, we're not going to do anything," she said with a raised eyebrow, "I was merely proving your dim-witted, drunk friend wrong."

'Oh, ok." He said glumly,

"Were you guys playing poker?" she asked,

"We were trying to, but we didn't know how, so we just made it up until Frank came along."

Lily laughed, "Oh my god, you boys amuse me so much." She kissed him lightly before walking up to her bedroom.

"James! I want the house!" a voice screeched, James whirled around to find Sirius in front of the portrait hole,

"What now Padfoot?" he sighed,

"Filly and I are getting divorced, and I want to get the house, and the Jacuzzi, and the bathroom sink!" he shouted,

"Who is Filly?" James asked,

"Filly Fire Whiskey! My wife, my half ex-wife." He said as if it was so obvious,

"Okay Sirius, you can have the house." James said, before walking up to his room,

"And I want the Jacuzzi and the bathroom sink Prongs! I must have them!"

* * *

**a/n: was it a bit too crazy? oh well, that's just who i am, a nut. please review. **

**signing out,**

**pinocchio**


End file.
